Wednesday, November 7, 2012

{an update}

If you saw my post from here you will know that my husband and I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year
(1 year & 6 months to be exact).
We really want a baby.
I had an appointment last week with my doctor and will have some tests done soon.
Husband had his tests on Wednesday last week and he is all healthy as far as we know. They will get a few more results back on Friday.
If I'm totally honest I have been really angry with God.
Getting pregnant is not something I can control.
I can't just say I want to be pregnant on this day and it happens.
So this is where my anger with God comes in.
Can't he just give me a baby?
I know we can adopt, but I'd love to experience being pregnant and giving birth and knowing that this child came from my husband and I.
Such a beautiful miracle!
There are too many people out there who don't even want to be parents, yet they get pregnant on "accident" and we are actually trying. On purpose.
Not only that, but I know how much I would love my children.
When I think about how much we love our little dog (silly I know), I think about how much more I would love our children!
Yes, I need to be patient but that doesn't mean I have to pretend like I don't get down about it.
It doesn't mean I have to pretend like I don't get sad when I think about how bad I want to be a mommy!
It also doesn't mean I don't think about how wonderful a father Jason is going to be and that I can't wait for the day it happens!
 
However, I don't want to be angry with God.
Because I love Him so much!
He's taken such good care of me already and has blessed my husband and I so much!
I shared my feelings, hurts, and anger with some of my girlfriends last week and they prayed for me.
I do believe in the power of prayer.
They didn't pray that God would give me a baby.
Just that His will would be done and that he would comfort me and give me some peace.
I also believe that counting the blessings you already have can help remind you how blessed you already are!
 
So today I woke up feeling blessed.
I woke up with some peace in my heart.
I don't have answers.
I still want a baby just as much as yesterday.
But I'm not angry with God.
I'm also reminded today that I am so blessed already.
So what's next?
Well I'm not sure.
(I'm hoping to get some answers after my tests are done.)
But tomorrow can wait.
Today I will count my blessings and think about how I can be a blessing to others.
Thank you, heavenly Father.
 
Source
 
 PS: Your prayers are always welcome too :)
 

18 comments:

Olivia said...

great word sister. so hard when you know it's something you want. God doesn't owe us anything but He does know us better than we know ourselves and He sees the big picture. Praying for your heart!!

Style Journey said...

This was such a touching post! No matter what God has in store for you and your husband, you will get to be parents some day. Sending prayers and hugs your way.

Simply LKJ said...

Good for you for acknowledging your feelings and then taking them to God.

Jenn said...

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him, to enable them to fulfill the purpose for which they are called." (Romans 8:28)

God has a REASON for this- look at it not as a burden or God failing you- but He is preparing you for something that you may not even be seeing due to constant struggle to understand why He is not giving your present need.

It's ALL about timing.

Psalm 46:10 *Be still, and know that I am God*

Jenn said...

"And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love Him, to enable them to fulfill the purpose for which they are called." (Romans 8:28)

God has a REASON for this- look at it not as a burden or God failing you- but He is preparing you for something that you may not even be seeing due to constant struggle to understand why He is not giving your present need.

It's ALL about timing.

Psalm 46:10 *Be still, and know that I am God*

the creation of beauty is art. said...

It can be so hard to deal with situations like this. I am amazed by your strength and courage. I am keeping my fingers crossed for you and your husband.
the-creationofbeauty.blogspot.com

Anya Rudn said...

I can't say i know what you are going through or even try to understand.. I can only imagine that it must be hard.. Of course we get angry when we don't get what we want but we need to understand that Gods timing is everything. When we decide it's our time doesn't mean Got agrees. We just need to trust that he knows best and that he will bless you immensely in his timing..

I know its hard to accept and understand, but i will be praying for you and your husband.. Don't give up hope!!

~Anya

Lily Marek said...

Aw I feel for you! We aren't trying yet but my sister and her husband struggled for almost three years before finally being blessed with their sweet baby girl. I know how incredibly hard it was on her, but the wait made our special girl all the more special. I will keep you in my prayers, and when you are blessed with your sweet baby you will get to appreciate and love him or her all the more.

Pearl said...

awww sweets this post made me tear up. You are blessed dear and I pray for you guys to become parents soon. I know that you will be a beautiful mommy one day.
This is such a wonderful reminder of how many countless blessings God provides along our paths.. This just made me stop and think as well..

Thanks for sharing.
Hang in there hunny!! Love u!

eliz said...

I think we all get angry at God sometimes. But knowing that it is wrong and willing to admit it...well that is courage. Soon he will have an answer for you. I will keep you in my prayers.

Sarah Frills4Thrills said...

Thank you for your honesty, Denise. I know you and Jason will be great parents when that day comes and I truly believe that day will come! Praying for answers :)

Elsha.Rae said...

goodness... you made me tear up. love this post! and as for the count your blessings picture, I LOVE IT.

Katie said...

you are not alone! my husband and I have dealt with infertility for about 2 years and have been going through different fertility treatments for about a year and nothing has worked. It is SO hard to understand why god gives babies to so many people and not you. It's SO hard to understand what His plan is. I too have felt angry and confused at times but am always reminded that we have a God that loves us more than anything and knows what is best for us. I look forward to the day when I can look back at this time and realize that His plan really was perfect. and I thank him for drawing me closer to him during this time. I've met some great ladies through blogging who I've been able to vent to and can understand this struggle. It is so hard when you feel like everyone around you is pregnant and no one understands. I'm here if you ever want to talk!

his little lady said...

What a beautiful outfit. It's so easy to have anger towards the things that did not go the way we believed they should. I love your uplifting spirit. And of course sending many prayers your way ;)
xo TJ

Anonymous said...

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Romans 12:12 love you!

Janice Sherman said...

Keep strong and have hope! God has a special plan for you and you know he loves you so much!! Keeping you in my prayers everyday!

Gracious said...

I can only imagine your frustration during this time. Take comfort in the fact that you are still young (I happen to know a couple in their 40's who've been trying) and be ever so thankful for your amazing husband and adorable dog. One way or another, you will be parents one day, how could you not be when it is something you are both so sure of?

One of my favorite quotes "the sweet wouldn't be as sweet without the bitter" (Yes, it's from a Tom Cruise movie, don't mock me).

Heather

Jo said...

Hi Denise,

I understand your frustration. My husband and I have been trying to get pregnant, unsuccessfully, for 5 years. It's been an incredibly stressful and sad journey; one that can't be understood by those who have not walked down the same road.

At the beginning, I, too, blamed God and was angry. And that's OK. In fact, we decieve ourselves when we think it's not OK! God is big enough to handle our anger (aaaand then some!). And don't let anyone (including yourself) talk you out of having the feelings you do about your situation. You're only human. You are allowed to feel. It's what you do with those feelings that matters.

What helped alot for us was to see a psychologist, who helped us sort through our feelings. It gave us some much-needed perspective on our situation, and we learned that life goes on, even when things we want/hoped/planned for don't happen. It also helped to safeguard our marriage. Many couples can fall away during such stressful times; it was the opposite for us. We turned to each other for strength and it helped us get through the hard times, one day at a time.

It is only because of all the prayer we received that we now see it as a blessing that we are without children. Not having children frees up our money to spend furthering God's kindgom and blessing those less fortunate. It allows us to be the kind of people who make freezer casseroles for friends going through a rough time. Being childless has allowed us to have time to devote to our church family and serve in ways our friends with kids, can not. It also allowed us the opportunity to open up a business (a lifelong dream of my husband) which we never could have done if we had kids.

In time, you will see that God has a plan for you both. It may be a plan with children ... or it may not be. Just know that either way, God still loves you and wants the best for you. I hope Proverbs 3:5-6 will be an encouragement to you. Blessings, Jo

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